It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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