You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize