im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
