I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
