Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
