We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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