yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
