am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
