Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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