dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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