she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
