You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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