Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
