you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The beers last night were like the tears from god
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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