My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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