the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
