She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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