Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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