If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
