you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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