She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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