I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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