there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize