He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
