i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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