I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
