He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
