I looked at my own cervix.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
