Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
