im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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