I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
