soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
