So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
