Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
its liver damage thursday
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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