So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
