I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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