dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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