very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
