I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
