She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
