ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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