Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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