Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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