His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Rumble strips road head = magical
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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