its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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