i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
