i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
