Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
