why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
