and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
