I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
