I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
