What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
