She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize