the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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