Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
